Building a Healthy Family System Seminar – Managing Conflict and Anger

“Great evening!  Thanks to everyone. Pat Nolan was knowledgable and approachable; we left with “at least one thing” (and so much more).  Mr. Sasser was helpful and fun.  Attendees were honest and open. Snacks were perfect.  Great night!  Much appreciated!”

 

On Sunday, April 8th Pat Nolan encouraged a group of parents in the area of managing conflict and anger in your home.  Below are several resources on this topic.

Seminar Notes – Building a Healthy Family System ~ on Anger

Audio of the Seminar

Parent Network Podcast Episode 11 with Pat Nolan – follow up to the seminar

 

     

 

 

 

 

 

Parenting in the Power of the Gospel

** The following article was copied from core christianity.com.

All Christian parents desire the spiritual well-being of their children. We want our children to be Christians, to get saved, to know God; however we express it, we want our children to be part of the company of the redeemed. We yearn for the blessing of God’s covenant grace to be on our children. This longing to see one generation follow another in knowing God motivates the training and instruction of our children. Psalm 78:3-7 (ESV) captures it:

Things that we have heard and known, that our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done. He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and teach to their children, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments.

We declare God’s mighty acts to the next generation (Ps. 145) because we long for our children to know the grace we have known. We teach God’s ways so that our sons and our son’s sons will follow God (Deut. 6).

Moved by this passion, Christian parents also long for assurance that their children will grow up Christian. I have been asked hundreds of times all over the globe, “If I do all the things you teach in Shepherding a Child’s Heart, will my children grow up to be Christians? Doesn’t the Bible teach that if we raise them right, our children will walk in God’s ways? Doesn’t God’s covenant guarantee they will be saved?”

How can we think about these things? Why do some children raised in Christian homes grow up loving God, while others, sometimes from the same home, turn away? In answering this question, we must identify two issues that have an impact on the persons our children become: the shaping influences of their lives and the Godward orientation of their hearts.

Shaping Influences

Shaping influences are those events and circumstances in a child’s developmental years that prove to be catalysts for making him the person he is. There is a clear biblical warrant for acknowledging the lifelong implications of early childhood experience. The major passages dealing with family (Deut. 6, Eph. 6, and Col. 3) presuppose the importance of shaping influences they include your faithfulness as a parent, the consistency of correction and discipline in your home, your nurture, your teaching of Christian truth, your family times in God’s word, even the ways you demonstrate spiritual vitality before your children.

Your children interact with every shaping influence you provide on the basis of the Godward orientation of their hearts. Here is what I mean: your children are covenantal beings. Humanity is essentially religious; no one is truly neutral even our children worship either Jehovah or idols. All of us filter the experiences of life through a religious grid.

In the book of Romans, the Apostle Paul reminds us that the truth of God revealed in creation leaves all mankind without excuse. All human beings respond to this revelation in creation; they either worship God or, in the words of Romans 1, they “exchange the truth for a lie and worship and serve created things.” Fallen humans refuse to acknowledge and submit to the things God has made plain in the creation. Paul further observes that when people know God in the creation and do not glorify him, they fall into futile thinking that leads to idolatry.

The Godward orientation of the heart ultimately determines how your children will respond to the truth you teach them. If they bow before idols rather than God, they will reject your best efforts at training them in his ways.

Proverbs 9:7-10 shows us that there are two different ways children respond to correction, rebuke, instruction, and teaching. One is the response of the wise or righteous child. He loves his instructor; he grows wiser; he increases in his learning. The other fellow the mocker, the wicked child responds with hatred, insults, and abuse. What accounts for the difference? “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” Wisdom determines how a child responds to correction. Your children are never neutral in response to your parenting but always active. Whatever they do with God, whatever they determine to worship and serve, will determine how they respond to your parenting efforts. Two children from the same home may respond in very different ways to the same parenting style. That’s why it is not possible to provide a guarantee that if you get it right, children will respond with faith.

The desire for such assurances is easily understood. From the time your first child is born, you realize you will never have a happy day if your child is unhappy. The parents’ love creates a longing for their child to thrive and flourish. That desire takes on eternal significance when we think of our children’s immortality. The idea that they could go into eternity without God is unbearable for any believing parent. So we long for assurance that there is something we can do that will guarantee their everlasting joy and happiness in the presence of God.

I recall how sobering these thoughts were to me as a young father. I realized that as a fallen man I had passed on to my young children a nature that is fallen and corrupt, but I could not pass on to them the grace of forgiveness and new life in Christ. I remember thinking that each day as I taught my children the Scriptures I gave them the truth that would either be their salvation or increase their accountability before God, for to whom much is given much will be expected.

Child Salvation by (Parental) Works?

We cannot save our children. We don’t like to face that. We long for some guarantee, some assurance that if we do the right things they will turn out all right. But in some ways, it is a relief to face that reality. If you think of it, the idea that we must save them through our good works is a pressure no parent can bear. It hinges our children’s eternal destiny on our ability to perform.

We have to be able to represent God in all his glory, teach them adequately, be a vibrant example of true spirituality, and we have to do it all flawlessly or our children will be forever lost. The fact is that I failed as a parent. Too often my pride and self-righteousness got in the way. I personalized my children’s sins as if they were sins against me and not against God. I was inconsistent, sometimes capricious, too busy, too concerned about me, too blind to the idols of my heart.

What Are We to Do?

Then why bother? If I cannot be assured that good biblical parenting will produce saved children, why bother? Why work so hard at the parenting task? Why read books on parenting, why work so hard on the ways we structure family life and the effort we put into things like family worship, faithfulness in church, and careful, timely, appropriate discipline?

We do these things because it is our calling as God’s redeemed people. Ephesians 6:4 says we should bring up our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Deuteronomy 6 says that God’s words are to be upon our hearts and impressed diligently upon our children. We do these things out of love for God. It is our delight to obey God and to teach his ways to our children. His grace makes us delight in him and his law in our inmost being (Rom. 7:22).

Parents often ask, “What hope then is there for my kids, if I cannot get them into the Kingdom by my faithful parenting? What’s my hope?” Our hope is not our fidelity to the law of good parenting but to the power of the gospel. Our hope is the wonder of grace. Our hope is that God has placed our children in our home and has given us the one true answer for our kids’ most profound needs.

God has put them in a family where they are confronted with their sin and the goodness of the One who came into the world to save sinners. Every day I am bringing grace to my children. I have the opportunity to model the grace of the gospel by honestly confessing my own failures and responding to their failures with gracious discipline and discipling. They daily hear the word of God. We know that faith comes by hearing.

Each week we gather where the church sings God’s praises, and they hear God’s people pray and listen to the word of God preached. They are confronted with the vibrant reality of the worshiping church, interpreting life through the lens of Scripture. Historically, God has used these means to bring people to faith, and so I pray week by week that God will, through these means, shine his light into their hearts, giving them the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 4:6).

There was a mother whom I was privileged to serve in the church. She prayed for her son’s salvation. She prayed for fifty-eight years without giving way to unbelief, but she died without seeing him come to faith. Within several years of her death, however, God brought her son to see his need for grace and to embrace Christ and his saving grace. Her prayers were answered even though she did not live to see the answer.

This hope will seem insufficient to the one who is looking for performance guarantees. But this is a realistic hope that keeps me on my knees before God, beseeching him to do in and for my children what I cannot do myself. It keeps me humble in prayer, asking God to use the means he has appointed. It keeps me casting myself on his grace and mercy. It makes me a humble supplicant before the sovereign God of grace. My encouragement is not that I can get it right but that God is a willing, able, powerful Savior of sinners.

Avoid Arguing With Your Kids

** The following article was copied from theparentcue.org.

You can’t effectively discipline your teenager if you continually find yourself in the middle of an argument with him. When disciplining, conversations may become heated, so use good communication skills and agree to walk away until you’ve both calmed down. The best way to avoid an argument is by refusing to engage in one.

When she was younger, one of our daughters could win most arguments in our home. She was dynamic and articulate and could argue either side of an issue. Sometimes I think she would argue simply for the sake of arguing. There were times when she was just exhausting. One day a counselor friend of mine gave me two words of advice: quit arguing. He encouraged me to hold my ground and refuse to argue with my daughter.

Learning to resist arguing with a child who is pushing your buttons isn’t easy, but here are three sayings I’ve found are helpful to diffuse potential arguments with teens:

“I FEEL YOUR PAIN.”

If your child knows your expectations and they break them, or if they suffer consequences from their poor decisions, let them know you care and that you feel their pain. You have empowered your child to make healthy decisions, but when he doesn’t do that, you can show him empathy while holding him accountable. In a HomeWord parent podcast, John Rosemond shared what he told his own kids: “If I was your age, I’d feel the same way. The answer is still no, but you are doing a great job expressing yourself.”

“NEVERTHELESS.”

This might be the most important word in the English language to show our kids who really is the leader in your home. Yes, we do feel their pain and we are listening; nevertheless, the consequences are going to stay. Adapting John’s words to his kids, a parent might say, “I can understand how you feel, and I might have felt the same way when I was your age. Nevertheless…”

“LIFE ISN’T FAIR.”

The sooner your child understands that life isn’t fair, and that whining and complaining won’t get her what she wants, she will quit trying to play the ‘make-it-fair’ game. Whenever you can, let reality be the teacher for your kids. If whining and manipulating works for a child even some of the time, it is the parent who has to live with the consequences.

Here are some more wise words John Rosemond shared in one of our parent podcasts: “Parents should not agonize over what a child fails to do or does if the child is perfectly capable of agonizing over it himself.” [i]Whatever your teen’s age, it’s about time he learns the truth that life isn’t always fair, but it sure can be good.”

Overcoming Prodigal Paralysis

** The following article was copied from ncbaptist.org

Luke records the well-known parable of a father and his two sons. Jesus tells the story of the younger son asking his father for his share of the estate. Without hesitation, the father divided his property between the two boys. With his pockets full of money, the younger son leaves home to live a life consumed with selfish independence (Luke 15:11-13).

In his commentary on this passage, pastor and author David Guzik describes the family drama by saying, “The father clearly illustrates God’s love. His love allowed rebellion and in some sense respected human will. The father knew that the son made a foolish and greedy request, yet allowed him to go his course nonetheless.”

Unfortunately, far too many families are experiencing this parable firsthand in their own homes. Countless Christian parents suffer with emotions ranging from hurt and confusion to disbelief and shame. Thankfully, helpless, hopeless and disgrace are not words our Heavenly Father uses when it comes to prodigals. Here are a few thoughts to consider.

God understands prodigals
The Lord has had experience with prodigals for thousands of years. Prodigals like Adam and Eve, King David, the entire nation of Israel, and a host of others head up a long list. However, the prodigal lifestyle is no match for God’s grace. A prodigal has never stopped Him from loving and waiting on those who truly belong to Him. We can rest assured that the Lord cares deeply for every prodigal.

Practice tough love
Sometimes the prodigal lifestyle is messy. You may have to practice tough love and let your child sleep in the bed they have made. When their lifestyle has produced less than ideal fruit, you have to allow them to struggle or perhaps suffer the consequences of their choices. Their suffering may be what awakens them and brings them to their senses (Luke 15:17).

Leave the door open
The Bible is clear when it comes to our relationship with others. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18, NIV). Let your prodigal know that although you will not compromise your biblical beliefs or enable their lifestyle, your door is always open to them (Luke 15:20).

Be transparent
Do not allow Satan to deceive you into thinking that you are the only family dealing with a prodigal child. You are not alone! In your church, there are most likely several families agonizing over a similar situation. Therefore, share with fellow believers, trusted friends, extended family and church staff what is happening with your child. The Lord never wants us to live in isolation. You need the encouragement, wisdom and prayer of others.

With the increasing darkness overshadowing our world, many parents feel hopeless. They desperately want to know the answer to this most pressing question but are almost afraid to ask: “Is there any hope for my prodigal?”

Even in our growing anti-Christian culture, I will be the first to answer with a resounding, “Yes! There is hope!”

As long as the Godhead is in place, there is always hope for a prodigal and their family.

Surviving Parenthood

** The following article was copied from theparentcue.org

If you knew what was involved in parenting, would you still go back and choose to do it? I’ll be honest, most days I would say, “no.” I would say that I’m clearly not cut out for this. In fact, parenting isn’t in my strength-finder results. If I had a boss in this job, I would have already been fired. Parenting is just so hard. And because parenting is hard, it pushes us in ways we never thought. I can’t tell you how many people tell me that they never thought they were an angry person until they had kids. And because parenting is hard and pushes us in ways that we never imagined, it can be one of the loneliest seasons of life. It leaves you feeling like no one else can relate or understand what you are experiencing.

I often tell people that I am surviving parenthood. I think it’s a really great idea to imagine being able to thrive every day in parenting, but the truth is—I’m surviving. Everyone was fed and loved by the end of the day. Isn’t that winning? Maybe for me, it’s less about thriving and more about surviving well each day.

Here are a few things that help me survive parenting well.

FEED YOUR SOUL.

Now more than ever, you need to find ways to rest, relax, and restore your soul. We all recharge differently, but for me surviving well means that each day I need to experience something for me.

Sometimes that comes in the form of reading something like a magazine, blog, or book. I need to be inspired visually so Instagram or Pinterest can do that for me. I also recharge through music. Music has the ability to transport my mind and my mood. I can hear a certain song and remember exactly where I was when I heard it 25 years ago. When I cook dinner, it is a must to have a John Mayer playlist going in the background. If I need to boost my mood, a little pop needs to be playing. And if I need to feel at peace, worship music plays in the background. Sometimes for me, simply getting outside with music in my ears and walking does the trick.

There are so many ways to feed your soul — journaling, exercising, cooking, reading, listening to podcasts, watching something. Find whatever it is and incorporate it into your daily life.

BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT BUILDING YOUR TRIBE.

Let’s all say it together: I can’t do this alone. We were never created to do life alone much less raise human beings alone. Parenting is hard. For many of us with little kids, it’s a miracle that you made it out the door today. And if you were dressed in something other than workout clothes, then high fives all around. We need people to come alongside us to encourage us, to run with us, and to encourage us when we are ready to quit.

My tribe refers to each other as “mom on deck.” Sometimes we need to know there is a mom on deck who can pick your kid up from school or bring you food in the hospital or tuck your kid in when something unexpected comes up. It takes effort and intention to allow other people to come alongside you. If you don’t have someone, be the one who makes the effort. We all want to be pursued. but sometimes you need to be the one who extends an offer.
DON’T FORGET TO BE YOU.

You are a unique masterpiece created for good works. And just because you have children doesn’t mean that you have to stop being uniquely you. Remind yourself of what you enjoy. Who were you before you had children? Maybe you need to dedicate one hour a week to doing something creative like writing or photography or crafting or playing a sport. Don’t be a martyr for your children.

It would be a terrible thing for your children to see that being parent is about letting your dreams die. Instead, pursue your dreams so that your kids will see that being a parent doesn’t mean letting go of your dreams and ambitions.

A couple of years ago, started a podcast called Surviving Sarah. It’s a weekly show where I have conversations with different people to be a megaphone to who they are and what they do, but I also get to be a megaphone of encouragement for women who are surviving right where they are. And my daughters think I’m so cool because I’m on iTunes along with their favorite, Taylor Swift. But I love setting an example to them of imagining the life you want and then invite them along  while you pursue it.

Surviving parenthood is hard. It is not for the faint of heart. I am cheering you on as you feed that baby, change the 100th diaper, wipe snot, endure that epic tantrum and given another eye roll. You got this. You are a wonderfully unique masterpiece created for good works. And this job of parenting is a good work.

Why our children are less patient, more lonely and more entitled than generations before?

** The following article was copied from yourmodernfamily.com

Study after study proves what we have guessed…

It’s the scary truth that our children face.   It’s more real than ever, this downhill slope that our kids are facing.  As a teacher and play therapist, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many children over the years, as well as many parents. . In that time, I’ve watched children’s social and emotional skills get worse, along with their academic behavior.  Children today aren’t prepared for life the way that they used to be. Now they are expecting more but doing less. They are coming to school but struggling to learn and stay focused. They are wanting to do more, but have less focus.

 Lonelier, Entitled, Less Patient … why?

There is a reason:  Our current lifestyle choices have impacted our children. All of the latest technologies, the modern trends, the most recent advancements. While we all want what’s best for our children, it has sadly led them down a path that has left them less-prepared for their own lives.

1. The SCREEN TIME dilemma:

Too much screen time. Giving our children electronic devices can easily backfire. Technology & screen time take time away from reading and playing. It decreases attention span, sets up the need for immediate gratification, and leaves children open to challenges in school and at home.

They lose the ability to focus on things and listen attentively because they have become accustomed to watching things in a fast-paced, fun, always-exciting way.  Children have a hard time coming back to reality, after being in virtual reality.

Take this story from PsychologyToday.com about a little boy on his video game, during a family gathering:

After being on his handheld electronic game for an hour, “A perfect storm is brewing. His brain and psyche become overstimulated and excited — on fire! His nervous system shifts into high gear and settles there while he attempts to master different situations, strategizing, surviving, and defending his turf. His heart rate increases and his blood pressure rises — he’s ready to do battle.  The screen virtually locks his eyes into position and sends signal after signal: “It’s bright daylight out, nowhere near time for bed!” – he’s ready to fight or escape!”  

The story goes on to say that his little sister came over and put her hand on the game. He hadn’t noticed her walking towards him because he was so involved in the game. Due to his elevated feelings, he screams at her and runs to his room. His mother follows him and tells him to get off of the electronics and get ready for bed, which makes him feel frustrated, as well as physically and emotionally angry.   He was ripped out of his “fun” virtual world and put into a “boring” real world.   Kids just can’t adjust so quickly.

2. The “Don’t be bored” dilemma

We are all so busy these days and to help our children stay busy and not be bored, we end up giving them a tablet, a phone, an iPod.  The problem?   We are doing our kids a disservice.  We are taking away their ability to entertain themselves, to come up with a solution, to be creative.

In turn,  we end up spending less quality time with our kids (sitting on the sofa while you are both focused on individual sources of technology is not quality time).   We are not connecting with our children.  Our children are relying on electronics to keep them from being bored and they are forgetting how to keep themselves entertained, or to just let their minds be still to daydream.

3. The “LET ME MAKE YOU HAPPY” dilemma

“Families [overly] centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children. We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives for our kids. Most of us have created child-centered families, where our children hold priority over our time, energy and attention.” ~Code, Wall Street Journal

We, as parents, have the best intentions when we make these decisions, to do whatever we can for our children: giving in to what they want so often. We want our children to be happy, we want them to feel loved, we want to see them smile. Unfortunately, by doing everything for our children and giving them everything that they want… we are creating people who will not be happy in the long run.

As a therapist, I often hear parents say things like “She doesn’t like vegetables, so I don’t even try to give them to her anymore” or “If he went to bed when I wanted him to, he would be up too early” or “She doesn’t like to hold my hand in the parking lot.”

The problem?   Kids are kids- they aren’t old enough, mature enough, or knowledgeable enough to make these kinds of decisions for themselves. We need to make them and enforce them because we know the consequences. Without vegetables, our children will not be healthy. Without enough sleep, they will be grumpy, tired and unable to focus in school. Without holding your hand in the parking lot, our young children could run off and be hit by a car.  These are real consequences of our “Let the children decide” dilemma.

4. The “Let me rescue you” dilemma

“Children and young adults are pretty resilient and resourceful when we let them be. Unfortunately, most of the time, parents are afraid to loosen the reins and let them be. It’s time for that to change.” – Jennifer Harstein.

  • Our children need to learn that they can save their allowance to replace the cell phone they lost.
  • Our children need to figure out how to talk to the teacher about the forgotten homework.
  • Our children need to learn that if they aren’t helping with the laundry (or putting it where it needs to go), they will not have their favorite outfit on the day they want to wear it.

It’s not easy to watch our kids fail. It’s not easy to watch them be sad, frustrated or upset. We want what’s best for our children, and we do everything with the best intentions, but it teaches them the wrong lessons.    Yes, show them that you are kind and helpful, but also let them experience things and let them fail.

It is easier to let them fail with these little things now (like forgetting homework and losing recess time at school) instead of failing when they are adults (like forgetting a mortgage payment and losing their house.)

5. The lack of real face-to-face INTERACTION dilemma.

“We know from lots and lots of research that spending time with other people in person is one of the best predictors of psychological well-being and one of the best protections against having mental health issues.” – Audie Cornish

Time on social media “may elicit feelings of envy and the distorted belief that others lead happier and more successful lives,” a study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine says.    Today’s teens and children are just not spending as much time with their friends in person.  They aren’t going for a walk outside or meeting up at a friends house. They aren’t playing games together.  In turn, they aren’t learning to read each others’ emotions or give support.

These social skills are so valuable, in fact, that study after study proves they are the key to a prosperous future. Excellent social skills, combined with intelligence, are now considered to be the key to having a high-paying job. “Leadership requires you to be socially adept. In fact, your social skills may be just as important as your intelligence when it comes to achieving success, according to new research published in in the Review of Economics and Statistics.

6. The “REWARD” dilemma

My brother, sister-in-law and I were talking about this one day. My brother, Tim, has his Ph.D. in education and my sister in law, Jill, has been a middle school teacher for many years. I am a play therapist & elementary school teacher, so our conversations often turn to children and education.

In trying to understand the “why” behind children’s behaviors, children’s lack of attention and children’s increasing behavior problems in school, we figured out one thing: Children want rewards, all of the time. I am ALL FOR REWARDING children, but not constantly. Not only does it lose it’s ‘shine,’ but it sets our children up to look for external rewards instead of internal rewards.

“What will you give me if I get all A’s?”
“What do we get to do if we sit quietly in the assembly?”
“What do I get for cleaning the garage?”

The only problem is that while it’s better (for us) to have our children do these things without complaining, their boss/landlord/spouse isn’t going to be so accommodating.  They won’t get a bonus or time-off because they did their work on time. They won’t get a month off of their mortgage payment because they paid it on time. Yes, it’s hard to teach them these lessons, but I’d prefer that they learn from me that life isn’t ALWAYS fun, but it is what you make it.   

Yes, children are lonelier, more entitled and less patient than generations before them… but we can help them.  There is a solution.

When our son was an infant, and his muscles were extremely tight (they had been trained to be tight due to lack of space & fluid in utero), our neurologist gave me the best piece of advice I’d ever heard: “You can retrain his muscles.” He told me that I could train his brain to help his muscles. It was going to be a long road, but in the end, it worked. This situation is not much different.

We train our kids to use the bathroom; we train our kids to brush their teeth in the mornings, we train our kids to sit patiently through a church service. These are learned skills, not skills that they are born with, but skills that we have taught them through repetition and consistency.

1. Ten Minutes a Day.
Reconnect with your kids.  Have one-on-one time with each child for ten minutes a day.  NO electronics, NO iPads or tables, NO television.  Let your child be your guide (They pick the activity).   This time alone is going to eliminate any guilt that you feel (because we all feel guilt) and it is going to allow you to connect you with your child.
Get back to what we did before phones (back to what our parents did when we were young), spending time playing games with our kids.

2. Let Them Be Bored.
What if instead of trying to keep our kids busy and keep them from feeling bored, we just LET them be bored. What if we said, “Oh- you’re so lucky to be bored.”
Don’t offer an electronic device to keep them busy, don’t offer to take them somewhere. Just let them be bored.
-Watch your child’s mind becomes quiet and watch his interests take over.
-Watch as it leads him to create his own fun.
-Watch as his need or instant gratification fades away.
Boredom is the path to learning about one’s self.  

3. Swap out external rewards for intrinsic rewards.
I used to race the clock when cleaning my room:  creating my own fun.
I used to pretend to be the teacher when doing my homework: creating my own fun.
Teach your kids to do this.  Let them think of ways to turn dull tasks into fun tasks and let them reap the reward of knowing that they did a great job because this is the kind of “reward” that will motivate them throughout life.

4. Talk.
Spend dinnertime talking, spend car time talking, drop everything that you are doing when your kids get home from school to TALK to them for a few minutes (learn what is going on in their lives… academic, social, emotional).  Make dinner without having the TV on, the phone close by, or the tablet tuned into something.

5. Give Responsibilities. 
Chores are about so much more than just cleaning.  Responsibilities increase their self-worth.  It teaches them how to work.  It teaches them to take care of things.  It teaches them how to be part of something bigger than themselves.
“To develop a high self-esteem a person needs a purpose. A key component to high self-esteem relies on how you view yourself regarding contribution. In other words, in the child development process, chores are a big role in a kid’s self-esteem.” ~Impact Parenting.com

6. Set Boundaries. 
Have a set bedtime.
Have set snacking rules (no snacks before dinner, or only one piece of junk food a day.)
Have a set reading time (You could have ‘D.E.A.R. time’ before bed –> Drop Everything And Read.)

7. Set Electronic Boundaries. 
We have a simple rule: No electronics throughout the school week UNLESS it is a show that we are all watching together on the TV.   This means No laptop usage (unless it’s school-related), no tables, no iPods, no phones, no videos.   If we finish getting ready for school quickly in the morning, we might watch a show together. If My husband and I are watching Jeopardy or Planet Earth, they are welcome to join in.     (Most kids have a LOT of tech time at school – they don’t need it at home.) 

        They are permitted to use them: on Saturday morning, on Sunday morning (if they are ready for church and have time before we leave), on long car-trips (vacation, etc…).

       Exceptions: Doctor’s offices,  all day sporting events, Car-line (school pickup can sometimes be 45 minutes.  Our youngest child sits with me while we wait to pick up her siblings.  She is allowed to have her Leap Pad in the car line to watch learning videos or play an educational game.)

8. Have Open Communication: 
Let them know that you are there for them.  “If you are ever feeling sad or left out about something and it becomes too big for you to handle easily, come to me.”    I remind our kids that I am always here for them, to talk through problems, just listen, pray for them, give them advice… or not.  “I’m here… for you… all the time.“  Remind them often.

9. Put down YOUR phone. 
Make a rule with yourself that you will limit YOUR online distractions when your kids are home. Set a time that you can put electronics away (for our family – it’s 3:30, when they get home from school until 8:00, when they go to bed).
Kids need to feel that connection with their parents.   My friend once told me that she overheard a child saying that her “mom’s phone was more important” than her. She was six years old at the time.   When asked why she felt this way, the little girl said it was because her mom liked to look at the phone more than her – even when the little girl was talking.  Kids notice everything. 

10. Teach by Example. 
If you want your child to change, you must first make a change.   Show your children where your priorities lie.  Family, your spouse, etc… act the way that you want your child to act and they will quickly follow your lead.  Let your child see you reading a book, washing dishes, making dinner, having conversations where you sit and look the person in the eye. Demonstrate kindness, consistency, hard-work.

Being a parent is the hardest, most important job we could ever have.   We only have 18 years to instill the qualities to last them a lifetime.    I’ve seen so many families turn their lives around and reboot their families.  I’ve seen so many children reengaged with the things that matter just by incorporating these things.  It matters and you are the key.

Parent Network Podcast – Episode 09 with Rich Biagini

In Episode 09 we talk with Rich Biagini on how we can better navigate technology and social media with our family.

 

How Family Devotions are Like Family Meals

** The following article was copied from thegospelcenteredfamily.com.

Family devotions are times “when family members come together for spiritual encouragement.” Patrick Kavanaugh, now retired director of the Christian Performing Arts Fellowship made this observation nearly 15 years ago in a little book titled Raising Children to Adore God. I encountered the book in 2007, just after our second daughter was born. Around that time, I also began my first full-time ministry job—working with kids. As a young dad and minister, Kavanaugh captured my imagination. He compared having family devotions to sitting down for a meal. Here’s what he wrote:

Obviously, a family meal is a time when the members of a given family eat together. Notice the many thousands of possible variations in a family meal. To begin with, the food will presumably vary day to day. The meal may be a massive Thanksgiving feast or it may be a quick bite. Someone in the family may not be present. At other times, friends or relatives may join in. Still other times will find a family at a restaurant or relaxing around a campfire. The only two factors that a family meal must contain are: (1) members of a family and (2) food. Everything else is quite flexible. So it is with a family devotional.

Kavanaugh’s parallel of eating together with practicing family worship rings true to me. I’d say the analogy is distinctly biblical. God wants us to nourish our faith just as we nourish our bodies. When God rescued Israel from Egypt, he gave them laws, ceremonies, and sacrifices to help them remember his great rescue. At the heart of this instruction was a meal.

“Family devotions are times when family members come together for spiritual encouragement. ”

When you read Exodus 12:26-27, it’s clear God expected families to recline around the Passover table together. The kids are there asking, “What is the lamb for, daddy? Why are we eating these bitter herbs and matzo?” God tells the Hebrew moms and dads to stand ready with the salvation tale on their lips (Exod. 12:27). This connection between physical and spiritual nourishment doesn’t end with the Passover festival. It’s likely Moses had in mind reclining to eat a meal when he told Israelite parents to teach while the family sat together at home (Deut. 6:7).

  1. Our families need regular spiritual meals. We all need to eat. If we’re going to feed our kids’ souls as well as their bodies, we must make regular times of family teaching a priority. This will look different in each family, because family schedules are as different as the families who set them. Some parents will pray and read the Bible with their kids each night. Others will have family devotions around the table—during the family meal. In other families, a parent will meet with their children individually to teach the Bible one on one. Whatever the format, consistency is key. It’s better to gather the family once per week than to exasperate your kids with failed attempts to meet every day. Young children respond best to a planned routine—something like Taco Tuesday that they can count on and look forward to.
  2. Meals are made for families, not families for meals. While family devotions should be regular, they should also fit your family’s life and personality. Some families will have an hour or two to sit down, read and reflect on a psalm, memorize a catechism question, and sing a hymn every week. But for most of us, that kind of feast is rare. I’m thankful the Bible’s vision for training our kids includes teaching them “along the road” (Deut. 6:7). The most consistent part of teaching my own kids has been the practice of quick prayers while we’re waiting in the carpool line or singing along (sometimes loud and silly!) to Seeds Family Worship and PROOF Pirates while we drive down the highway on a road trip.
  3. Make sure it’s digestible. The Bible gives us a developmental vision for growing up in faith. Christians move progressively from basic things to deeper truth—from milk to solid food (Heb. 5:12-14; 1 Cor. 3:2). It’s especially important to remember this when teaching young children. Two and three-year-olds typically have an attention span of two to three minutes. Their vocabulary is limited to 200 to 1500 total words. Like a parent cutting up their child’s food into digestible chunks, it’s important to help our youngest kids learn a beginning vocabulary of faith—basic Bible words like sin, promise, prayer, and the name of Jesus—before moving to more abstract concepts like forgiveness. Many Bible storybooks are written with these developmental considerations in mind. If you’re just beginning a family worship time with your toddler, consider Ella Lindvall’s Read-Aloud Bible Stories, David Helm’s Big Picture Story Bible, or my The Beginner’s Gospel Story Bible.
  4. Vary the menu to stretch your family’s palette. Just like family meals, family devotions have thousands of possible variations. Sometimes when I hear what other creative families do during family worship times, I feel overwhelmed and guilt-ridden, thinking, “I should be doing more!” I’m tempted to adopt practices that would be a bad fit for our family dynamics. But my wife is really encouraged by families who are a step ahead of us. She sees concrete ideas as an opportunity to stretch ourselves. Adding variety to our times of family worship helps them become times of discovery. So, don’t get stuck in the rut of simply reading stories. Act them out. Draw and paint. Let a sock puppet tell the story. If the lesson is about serving others, find a way to practice serving right away—like making cookies for your neighbor. You may find that mixing it up helps to keep your kids’ interest as well.

The best meals involve grace and laughter around the table. So it is with family devotionals. They’re an opportunity to model a life that craves the pure spiritual milk of the Word (1 Pet. 2:2), one that helps your kids to taste and see that the Lord is good (Ps. 34:8). So, make a practice of inviting your kids to come to the table to feed their souls, along with their hungry stomachs.

How to Speak Your Child’s Love Language

** The following article was copied from www.mother.ly (by Dr. Shannon Warden)
Do your children know you love them? I certainly hope my three children do. For starters, I want them to know today how blessed I feel to have them in my life, but I also don’t want them to be in a counselor’s office 20 years from now talking about how they never knew if their parents loved them.
As a counselor myself, I’ve certainly heard my share of those stories. Parents may have thought they were loving their children in a way that their kids felt it, but their children didn’t necessarily grow up feeling loved.  You may have the same or different reasons, but I’m betting you’re a lot like me—you want to be sure your children know just how much you love them.
My friend, mentor and co-author Dr. Gary Chapman is known worldwide for his five love languages concept. In fact, you’ve probably heard of his NY Times best-selling book by the same name. This concept has changed millions of relationships for the better because it equips people with an easily-understood, practically-applied way of expressing love in a way that your loved ones feel it best.
But it’s not just for your spouse. It’s also what you and I are looking for as parents—we want to make sure we’re speaking our children’s love language.
So, what are the five love languages and how do they pertain to our little ones?
  • Words of affirmation: kind, supportive words that reassure your child that you believe in and value them
  • Physical touch: Hugs, kisses, high-fives and any other positive, loving touch that creates a sense of safety and belonging
  • Gifts: From small to large, any thoughtful token of your love that let’s your child know “Mom is thinking about me. I’m important to her.”
  • Quality time: Time spent enjoying each other’s company, doing things your child likes to do, as distraction-free as possible
  • Acts of service: Willingly and freely helping your child with tasks they need or want help with, such that they feel like “I’m not alone. I can count on my mom.”
Easy enough, right? This concept is super practical. Children start out as infants needing love through all five love languages. By about the time they’re five or six years old, their primary, or preferred love language becomes more evident.
But, how can parents understand their child’s primary love language? Fortunately, there are a few ways.
If your child responds more positively when you speak one love language more so than the others, then chances are, that’s your child’s love language. They’ll also tend to express their love for you through their preferred love language so that’s another tip-off.  Just by way of observation, you can easily figure out what your kids respond best to.
Depending on the age of your children, you can also simply ask them. While writing this article, I asked my children,“How do you know mama and daddy love you?”
Four-year-old Presley said, “You hug me and give me goodnight kisses.” Her answer suggests hers may be the love language of physical touch.
Six-year-old Carson said, “You give me milk and buy me toys.” He’s both an acts of service and gifts kid.
Twelve-year-old Avery said, “You hug me and play video games with me.” Like Carson, Avery’s a bilingual kid with two love languages—physical touch and quality time.
Whew! Fortunately, all three seem to confidently know we love them. That’s good! But, I can’t stop there and neither can you. Just like yours and my love tank regularly needs to be re-filled with love, so do our children’s.
So, what do we do to ensure our children’s love tanks are full? We prioritize love as a high value in our lives, make time for these most important relationships, and intentionally speak our children’s love language.
Without these essential steps, parents can easily fall into a false sense of security thinking our children “just know” we love them. Children won’t necessarily just know, especially if we’re inconsistently or rarely speaking their love language.
If you don’t share the same love language, then you’ll learn and get better the more thought and practice you give to learning an additional love language. The more love languages the better. You’ll always most naturally speak your own primary love language, but because you’re committed to loving your family, you’ll grow more fluent in their love languages with time and practice.
To help you in your love language studies, you may want to read “The Five Love Languages of Children”, which is all about learning to connect with our children in creative and developmentally appropriate ways through their love language. There’s also “A Perfect Pet for Peyton”, which is a great children’s book designed to get our children thinking about and having fun with the five love languages.